But would Elvis take them to court?: KBIG-FM, you may have heard, was sued by representatives of Barry Manilow for bragging that it didn't play his recordings. The suit has since been settled but KBIG could have avoided legal problems in the first place if the station had instead unearthed an old KQLZ-FM theme:

"Less Music by Dead Guys."

*

Caltrans -- speeding things up!Yes it's true, at least in the case of a Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., trucking firm struggling to deliver 54,000 pounds of relief supplies to quake victims through a sea of red tape.

Amerijet International had donated a truck for the nonprofit group, Neighbors Helping Neighbors, to deliver the cargo. First, the truck was halted by a state weight station in Pensacola because it exceeded the legal highway weight limit.

Florida relented after Amerijet manager James Bassett persuaded Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana to allow the truck to cross its borders. "I was talking to state officials for three days," Bassett said.

Then Texas resisted. "We had to sneak through Texas," Bassett said.

California also refused to waive the weight limitation. But Caltrans persuaded a local company to take part of the load when the truck reached Blythe. The cargo arrived in L.A. over the weekend.

"We just heard from Texas today (Monday)," Bassett said, laughing. "They said OK."

Banking's a beach: We recall more affluent times when male bank tellers wore a dress shirt and tie to work every day. Alas, like everyone else, bankers seem to be suffering the effects of the recession. The other day, in a Bank of America branch in Long Beach, we spotted a teller decked out in a green T-shirt (and no tie).

"He was called in at the last second," another clerk said gallantly.

*

Don't know much about geography: Joel Robbins gives the Daily News a failing grade in geography for this educational tip about the Winter Olympics' "host city." So, who's the host country -- Scandinavia?

Our greatest fan letter: We thought the note from Atco, N.J., was the first request of us for an autographed photo -- until we noticed that it was addressed to a movie star.

So how did it land on our desk? Apparently because we work in the Metro section and the letter was addressed to:

Lana Turner

c/o Metro Meyer Studios miscelLAny:

In 1785, four years after settling L.A., the inhabitants grew worried about being isolated from Mexico. So, in order to ensure their safety, they decided to really arm themselves. They sent for 35 pounds of gunpowder and 800 bullets.

More than 700 scientists and researchers will share their latest findings in many scientific fields at the 1994 annual meeting of the American Assn. for the Advancement of Science Friday through Wednesday in San Francisco.

The group is the world's largest federation of scientists, embracing more than 137,000 members worldwide. It group also publishes the weekly journal Science.

Speakers at the meeting will discuss research in such fields as health and medicine, the environmental sciences, evolution, psychology, astronomy, technology and education.

The meeting will be at the San Francisco Hilton and Towers. Call (202) 326-6450.

ASTRONOMY

* Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History telescopes will be trained on Orion on Friday at 8 p.m. One of the best-known group of stars in the sky, Orion's belt points to the Pleiades, or Seven Sisters, and to Sirius the Dog Star, one of the brightest and nearest stars. Telescopes will reveal brightly illuminated gas, black dusty areas and recently formed stars. Call (805) 682-3224.

* "E.T. -- The Real Search" will explore the question of what alien life may be like and where it might exist in the universe, in the planetarium show presented by the Los Angeles Valley College Astronomy Club at 8 p.m. Friday. Call (818) 781-1200, Ext. 335.

METEOROLOGY

* Warren Blier of UCLA's Department of Atmospheric Sciences will discuss California tornadoes at the American Meteorological Society at 8 p.m. Wednesday in Room 7124 of the Math-Science Building. Call (213) 343-2222.

SCIENCE FOR KIDS

* Children ages 5 and older can join archeologist Claudia B. Ocello in uncovering the past by digging for cultural artifacts and displaying them in a mini-museum in workshops offered at Kidspace Museum in Pasadena at 2:30 and 3:30 p.m. Saturday. Call (818) 449-9144.

* Preschoolers ages 3 and 4 can learn how animals stay warm when the weather turns cold, in programs offered by the Los Angeles Zoo today and Sunday at 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. Call (213) 666-4090.

SCIENCE POLICY

* Author Ray Bradbury will discuss his career and offer glimpses into the future at a lecture and book signing marking the 40th anniversary of "Fahrenheit 451" at the Los Angeles County Natural History Museum Jean Delacour Auditorium at 2 p.m. Sunday. Call (213) 744-3534.

ORNITHOLOGY

* The wading birds of Florida will be the topic of a program by Charles and Helen Righter at the monthly meeting of the Whittier Audubon Society at 7:30 p.m. Thursday in the Whittier Community Center. Call (310) 699-2021.

* Audubon regional representative Dan Taylor will discuss the "Ecosystems and Habitats of the Ancient Forests," and how indicator species such as the spotted owl can reveal the health of the ecosystem at the meeting of the Pasadena Audubon Society at 7 p.m. Wednesday at the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. Call (818) 798-5522.

COMPUTING

* Ruzena Bacjsy, professor of computer science at the University of Pennsylvania, will discuss "Cooperative Agents: Machines and Humans" in a lecture sponsored by the USC computer science department at 10:30 a.m. Friday in the auditorium of the USC Ethel Percy Andrus Gerontology Center. Call (213) 740-4498. NONA YATES

Let's clear this up instantly. There are two Jerry Rubins. One is a Venice peace activist who makes $6 an hour potting orchids. The other is a Famous Ex-Radical who paid $85,000 in personal income taxes last year.

The Venice Rubin is relatively soft-spoken and says please and thank you and had to resort to potting orchids because peace is ruining his paid anti-war activism.

The Other Rubin jumps in your face waving health powders like "Wow!" and displays the kind of relentless energy that drove the Establishment crazy 25 years ago, first when he was a screaming yippie and then a member of the Chicago 7.

When the two Rubins are together, there is no confusing them. The Venice Rubin is tall and curly-haired, wears shorts, a tank top and sneakers and doesn't speak unless spoken to.

The Other Rubin is shorter and neatly trimmed and wears a gray pin-striped suit and red patterned tie and darts around his $5,000-a-month high-rise apartment like a chipmunk in a forest, demanding redress.

The redress he is demanding is clarification. He wants the world to know he is not the orchid-potting Jerry Rubin but the Rubin who, like Ollie North, leaped from the ashes of a former career to achieve success in a new one.

The new endeavor is network marketing in association with a company called Life Extension International, which is about as far removed from political activism as Howard Stern from the Bishop of Canterbury.

Rubin and LEI hustle health potions like the aforementioned "Wow!," an orange-flavored confection which the Famous Ex-Radical urged me to drink, promising it would make me feel stronger and smarter within minutes.

Then he turned to the Venice Jerry Rubin, fixed him with a stare hard enough to pierce armor and said, "I can make you rich."

*

This all began with a nice little column I wrote a fortnight ago about the Venice Jerry Rubin, whom I shall call Rubin 1. He is director of the L.A. Alliance for Survival and made his living taking half of the alliance's profits from its anti-war activities.

But then the Berlin Wall came down, Russia fell apart and the peace movement began going to hell, all of which impacted on the $6,000 a year Rubin was making to live on.

The irony of a peace activist suffering from the agony of peace appealed to me, so I wrote about Rubin, a 50-year-old guy who, by his own assessment, had no skills, couldn't drive and had only $2 in the bank.

Two things happened. Rubin got a job potting orchids for $6 an hour and probably would have been happy potting orchids the rest of his life. But then along comes the Famous Ex-Radical, the 1960s yippie turned yuppie, a description, as columnist Dan Akst says, that runs through his life like a Homeric epithet.

This Rubin, Rubin 2, who is either 47 or 53, depending on whom you believe, moved to L.A. recently from New York and was busily making his bid as Health Powder King of America when suddenly he begins getting telephone calls from people asking if he wants to borrow money.

They have read my column on the Venice Jerry Rubin and assume, upon an inability to perceive details, that it is he.

He pays little attention at first, but then women begin calling to say they are not going out with a guy who has only $2 in the bank. Where could he possibly take them? Then his landlord, whose confidence in Rubin's ability to pay is badly shaken, begins demanding several months' rent in advance.

At least this is what I hear in a series of telephone calls from Rubin, his women, his lawyer, his ex-wife and I don't know who else.

Rubin himself calls maybe half a dozen times, begging, cajoling, pleading and demanding. The confusion of Two Rubins is ruining his life, he says. He even gets Rubin 1 to take time away from potting orchids to call and say maybe we ought to clear the whole thing up.

The assault is endless. I am beginning to feel like Lyndon Johnson during the Vietnam War. Hey, hey, LBJ, how many babies have you killed today?

*

Both Rubins love publicity. They sense media potential the way a tiger shark detects a bleeding seal. By smell? Vibrations? Color alterations in the atmosphere? Who knows. Science is working on it.

Rubin 2 was the one orchestrating a thrust for clarification, since he has the most to gain. Whenever his name appears in print, another 500 cases of "Wow!" are sold throughout the known world.

But the prospect of more ink also appeals to Rubin 1, so he takes a bus to 2's high-rise in Westwood. The security guard says who would you like to see and he says, "Jerry Rubin."

The guard says, "Name please?" and he says "Jerry Rubin" again.

The guard says, " Your name," and he sighs and says, "We're the same."

I am told this story by Rubin 1 in Rubin 2's 11th-floor luxury apartment where we have gathered for the Clarification Session. "See!" says Rubin 2 triumphantly. "There's confusion everywhere!"

In order to end the confusion, 2 launches into a narrative of his own success, in contrast to 1's pathetic orchid-potting existence. He shows me copies of his personal and corporate income tax forms to prove his worth and says he has made more money in one year than Rubin 1 will make his entire life.

It is a strange monologue coming from a guy who once placed money in the same category as the John Birch Society, but he delivers it with a verve not to be denied. Suddenly, by his narrative, "Wow!" is transformed into something on a level with mother's milk and holy water.

1, meanwhile, seems content to leave the show to his more famous counterpart, mumbling occasionally that he still loves peace and doesn't mind potting orchids, but that's not good enough for 2, whose kinetic personality is not unlike that of a mongoose in a tank of cobras. He is everywhere at once. Even when he is sitting he is standing.

*

It is at this point that 2 offers to make 1 rich. "I want you to work for me," he says. "I want every Jerry Rubin in America to work for me."

He offers to train 1 to sell his health potions, even as he has trained thousands of others. Rubin calls his networking "people's capitalism," a phrase that manages an egalitarian cant even as it holds out the prospect of ease and opulence through entrepreneurial magic.

Rubin 1 mumbles something in response, to which 2 says, "What? Speak up, what'd you say?" in words that whistle by 1's ear like .50-caliber bullets.

"I'd like to think it over," 1 says uneasily in a tone only slightly louder than before. Clearly, he would like to leave.

Rubin 2 is not happy with the offer left dangling but lets it go at that. I suspect 1 will go right on potting orchids for $6 an hour and 2 will go right on hustling "Wow!" until he is Wow King of the World. He is already planning a news conference based on our Clarification Session, and who knows what else. Oprah? Donahue? Geraldo?

For my part, I am no happier or smarter for having drunk "Wow!" and hope never to hear from another Jerry Rubin for the rest of my life. It would almost be worth another world war just to keep them all busy working for peace. How could it hurt?

It was impressive. The Clinton Administration and Congress moved with speed and efficiency in response to the nation's costliest natural disaster. Less than four weeks after the Northridge earthquake devastated vast parts of Los Angeles, Congress authorized $8.6 billion in aid. It was indeed, as President Clinton said Saturday when he signed the bill, "the most comprehensive national response ever to a region experiencing a natural disaster."

OK, so you cynics out there say what this shows mainly is that Clinton already has his eye on reelection and on California's 54 electoral votes. Fair enough, but the bottom line is that California's delegation, with Clinton's support, has shepherded the most federal aid ever for a single U.S. disaster. And that's something.

THE FEDERAL CHECK: It's too bad that the federal aid -- $8.6 billion plus $900 million already spent -- doesn't cover the whole bill. Losses stemming from the 6.8 earthquake on Jan. 17 have been estimated by Gov. Pete Wilson's office at between $13 billion and $20 billion. Wilson has put the state's share of the repair costs at $1.9 billion and local governments' at $135 million. Private insurers are expected to cover $2.5 billion.

A good chunk of the federal aid -- $4.6 billion -- will go to the Federal Emergency Management Agency, which under the very able guidance of James Lee Witt has been the central coordinating agency for federal relief. The $8.6 billion will be used for housing aid and the reconstruction of highways, schools and other public facilities as well as for loans to offset damage suffered by renters, homeowners and businesses.

Congress also included a controversial denial of long-term assistance to illegal immigrants -- aid extending more than 90 days. That was a politically necessary compromise. However, it is not too much to ask that the "reasonable steps" required by the bill to determine the legal residency of long-term beneficiaries be fully monitored. There must be no discrimination based on race or ethnicity.

THE STATE'S TURN: Now Sacramento must turn its attention, quickly, to raising more funds for relief, repairs and rebuilding. The most fiscally responsible approach is pay-as-you-go, adding, on a temporary basis, a few cents to the price of a gallon of gasoline and a quarter-cent to the sales tax. Revenues from the temporary gas tax hike would be for vitally needed seismic safety retrofitting of bridges and overpasses. The sales tax increase would go for other earthquake repairs.

The challenge to state legislators is to act as swiftly as Congress and the Administration, which have set an example of decisive response to a natural disaster. The spotlight's on Sacramento now.

In some child care centers in North Carolina, South Carolina, Nevada and Wisconsin, raw sewage recently was found in play areas, fire exits were locked or blocked, broken glass and roaches were evident and children had access to toxic chemicals including bug spray and antifreeze. In Los Angeles, the Northridge earthquake uncovered problems of a less disturbingly obvious but still serious sort. More than 200,000 children are cared for daily in licensed facilities subject to no requirements for safety glass, bolted bookcases, emergency food and water supplies or even flashlights.

With a majority of parents of young children in the work force now, the demand for high-quality institutional child care continues to grow, far outpacing the supply. With that growth has come problems that public agencies alone, with chronically strained budgets, simply cannot solve.

Indeed, according to the federal General Accounting Office, states, which are almost exclusively responsible for regulating the quality of child care, have cut their budgets and enforcement personnel in agencies that license and inspect day care centers. Federal auditors, making unannounced inspections at sites in the four states mentioned above, found widespread hazards. Because states receive federal child care grants, some in Congress are calling for a stronger federal presence -- and federal regulations -- in the operation of child care facilities.

Federal standards make some sense, as do state regulations that would require preschool and day care facilities to meet the same earthquake safety standards that govern elementary schools. However, even with tougher government standards and a cadre of vigilant inspectors to monitor compliance, consumers -- parents -- have to be responsible too.

Inspectors can't be there every day, but parents usually are. Look carefully, ask questions and listen to what teachers and your child tell you. Learn what the law requires in terms of health and safety and make sure for yourself that the facility is clean and safe.

In yet another challenge to democracy in South Africa, the Zulu-based Inkatha Freedom Party plans to boycott the nation's first free multiracial elections. This protest isn't expected to derail the election of Nelson Mandela as the country's next president; he clearly is the favorite of most black South Africans, including some Zulus, and he can also count on limited white support in the April balloting. But Mandela and President Frederik W. de Klerk must figure out some way to resolve the concerns of Zulus or, as Monday's demonstrations indicated, face more threats to the hope for peaceful democracy.

Thousands of Zulus protested outside a meeting between De Klerk and Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini. Shots were fired and at least one person was killed. The killing provides another reminder of the rivalries in the new South Africa. What's needed now is hands-on negotiation, perhaps led by a more aggressive Organization of African Unity.

De Klerk's session with the Zulu king did not go well. The king insisted that Zulus would reject the new constitution and defy the new government. They want nothing less than their own independent state. This political impasse is yet another consequence of apartheid. That philosophy, advocated for decades by De Klerk's National Party, resulted in the creation of so-called "independent" black homelands. Zulus rejected total independence but accepted self-government and all the perks, patronage and public dollars that rewarded that obeisance.

Their elected leader -- another Zulu chief, Mangosuthu Gatsha Buthelezi -- stands to lose power when Mandela takes over. In April, Buthelezi will also have to give up his dream of becoming the first black president of South Africa. That dream had been nurtured for years by white leaders who appreciated Buthe- lezi's anti-communist stance and his opposition to economic sanctions and the political struggle advocated by Mandela's African National Congress. Buthelezi was quickly eclipsed by Mandela after the latter's release from prison four years ago, but the Zulu leader refused to acquiesce without a fight.

The Zulu nation's current course is a not very well disguised demand for respect. Parties that have influence with Inkatha must understand this but in the end prevail on all Zulus to participate in the new democracy.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors will have the chance today to modify -- although not, unfortunately, eliminate -- one of the more flagrant taxpayer rip-offs in recent memory.

Three years ago then-Chief Administrative Officer Richard B. Dixon initiated, and the supervisors oh-so-quietly approved, a plan to permit the cost of benefits to be treated as compensation when calculating county pensions.Thus benefits such as medical and dental insurance and -- for supervisors and others lucky enough to have them -- car allowances now count as salary when determining pensions. That sweetener will boost taxpayer costs by as much as $400 million over the next 30 years.

Supervisor Gloria Molina, who was not a member of the board when the pension-spiking scheme was adopted, says that it's costing about $300,000 a week to fund this particular goody. She's supporting recommendations made by the Economy and Efficiency Commission to control the plan's abuses. Among other things, benefit costs would be excluded when figuring pensions for future employees and the dollar amount allowed for current employees would be cut or frozen.

All this is of course worth doing. Regrettably it won't roll back the windfalls that pension spiking already has made possible. One non-elected official will retire next month, for example, with an annual pension about $35,000 higher than his current salary. This program is a scandal. It will be a far greater one if the supervisors don't act today to curb it. Taxpaying voters are waiting and watching.

* Thank you for your editorial on the Clinton health reform plan (Feb. 3) which is generally right on the mark. Doctors, individually, and collectively through the American Medical Assn., agree with The Times that this enormously complex piece of legislation (unfortunately and inexplicably developed in secrecy) while admirable in stated goals, does require major modifications if these goals are to be achieved.

The bill as it stands, Clinton's rhetoric notwithstanding, would require extensive cost controls imposed by government. As Alain Enthoven and virtually all economists have pointed out, cost controls in any sector of economics simply don't work.

Further technological advancement would be subject to a government review board and not to market forces. Advances in medical care could be impeded.

This bill threatens the malpractice reforms enacted in this state and could drive up medical costs. Since we have costs contained in this state by managed care, the result could be ruinous with severely impeded access.

Finally you laud Insurance Commissioner John Garamendi's plan and with this we respectfully disagree. You have previously credited Garamendi with being a prime mover behind the Clinton plan. Garamendi favors a single-payer system. A single-payer system, if government, is socialism and, if private, is monopoly. History teaches us that no matter how good they sound, neither works. Nor for that matter will the Clinton approach.

BENJAMIN SHWACHMAN MD

President, L.A. County Medical Assn.

* Re your editorial: CalPERS does not control costs. It shifts them. At our local hospitals, CalPERS Blue Shield pays a per diem rate of between $830 and $950. A three-day hysterectomy stay would be approximately $2,500-$2,900. An indemnity-insured or cash-paying patient would pay between $7,000 and $9,000 for the exact same services.

Given such disparity in prices, not only does CalPERS not pay its own way, it does not contribute to the financing of welfare or charity cases.

It is agreements such as CalPERS that drive indemnity plans out of the marketplace, and shift the costs to those who often can least afford it -- the cash-paying patient.

NANETTE WUCHENICH MD

Redlands

* Your editorial discussed Clinton's health plan. In this as well as all other media presentations, a concern is always raised about another governmental bureaucracy to be created. No one in the media mentions the massive bureaucracy that is encountered in dealing with insurance companies.

Insurance companies, as are all big businesses, are interested in one primary individual -- the stockholder. Clinton's plan is also interested in one individual, but that one is the person who needs health care now and can't get it.

HARRY SHRAGG MD

Los Angeles

* Let me talk about real gouging that takes place in the medical insurance field by large insurance companies.

I was paying $307 per month for medical insurance as an individual. I was advised that due to inflation, rising health costs, and that many insurance companies no longer will cover this type of insurance, my policy unchanged in any way will now cost $466 per month. I believe if my math is correct, that is a 52% increase per month. I know from The Times, many hospitals and doctors are struggling to survive financially, but I have not heard of any insurance companies going out of business.

PETER WRIGHT

Studio City

* The Times correctly notes that Clinton's health plan will shut down private medical practice (Commentary, Feb. 2). The Clintons would outlaw the purchase of medical care directly from a doctor. The Clinton plan would close doctor's offices by the thousands.

This deprives Americans of their freedom to choose their own private doctor. When the few remaining doctors are herded into corporate or government-run HMOs, their new allegiance is to their paymaster, not their patient.

To preserve private practice, and the quality it embodies, the citizen's constitutional right to buy care must remain the bedrock of any plan. This Congress should develop job-portable, tax-free medical savings accounts. These permit the consumer to buy care directly without the intervention of government bureaucrats, or insurance company rationing.

CHRISTOPHER LYON MD

Steering Committee, Americans for

Free Choice in Medicine, Newport Beach

* At last, an article by an American columnist who really understands the situation in Northern Ireland, the nature of the IRA, and the true character of its spokesman, Gerry Adams! I couldn't agree more with every statement made by Edwin M. Yoder Jr. (Commentary, Feb. 6).

What is so disturbing beyond the fact that Adams "gulled" talk show hosts who do not understand the situation in Northern Ireland, is the hero's welcome accorded Adams upon his arrival in the U.S. Now it is clear just where the IRA gets its seemingly endless funds with which to purchase its weapons of death and destruction.

IRA interference in the affairs of Northern Ireland so enrages the Protestant majority that it actually hampers the peace process.

JOAN MORRISON

Costa Mesa

* The anti-Irish column by Yoder attacks Adams of Sinn Fein (the political arm of the IRA), President Clinton for allowing him 48 hours to present his case in discussion of the Northern Ireland situation, and the "talk show airheads" who let him speak his mind. When it comes to Ireland, there is plenty of blame by all sides to pass around -- not just to the IRA. There is little to be gained from suppressing different points of view.

The British press could have written the column. Gerry Adams may not have been ready to present breakthrough proposals for peace but he did stir up others, such as the British government, to improve their offers, which might lead to possible developments.

The problems in Northern Ireland involve primarily economic oppression cloaked in bigotry and religious persecution. Yoder clearly has no knowledge of this situation but he is the one that is paid to mouth off.

W. J. McLAUGHLIN

Claremont

* We just heard Southern California is getting yet another area code -- 911.

KATHLEEN ROBIN LOWRY

Malibu

* The Feb. 3 article "No Evidence of 'Sugar High' In Children Found" was at best misleading. Misleading because the experiment was done comparing sugar with aspartame (or Nutrasweet) and saccharin, two additives that have been implicated in children's hyperactivity.Had the sugar been compared with a diet free of artificial additives, a much different picture would have been painted -- with vast improvement in the behavior of children on the additive-free diet.

The number of children used in this study was pitifully low (25 children ages 3-5, and 23 children ages 6-10) to make such a statement of finality.

One can't help but wonder who funded the grants for this study. Was it the drug manufacturers or aspartame and saccharin? Was it the sugar industry?

PAMELA HEALEY

Certified Nutritionist

Los Angeles

I thought it was remarkable the way teachers responded to the earthquake. They have really risen to the occasion. Teachers are holding classes in their homes. Teachers are calling parents to see how the kids are, giving them assignments over the phone. People have really gone above and beyond what was necessary.

This has been very heartwarming, considering the fact that most of the people we're talking about are incredibly demoralized. They just took a 10% pay cut, and they don't really feel a commitment toward this district, don't have very much faith in its leadership and where it's going. They're confused. They just came out of this big battle of having to defend public schools (over the voucher proposal), and they see themselves entering into another battle over the next budget and feel very underappreciated.

I was eating lunch in the cafeteria at a school in the San Fernando Valley last week during an aftershock. Instead of dropping under the tables, the teachers just ran out to the kids, and I said, "Where are you guys going?" They said, "We've got to be with the kids!" And they get out there and their kids are all eating lunch and aren't the least bit frightened. Actually, the teachers were much more shaken up about the earthquake than the children were.

So I want to reassure people who are afraid to let their kids go back to school, to let them know that the people they are leaving their children with are really caring people and their kids will be safe.

I think schools are always safer than the streets, but in this case I'm talking about emotional stability for kids, about people who are really loving and caring and understanding. And I'm not sure that the average parent who never talks to their child's teacher, who really doesn't have much connection, understands this -- because we have so much transiency in Los Angeles, and so many kids who are bused.

It's not a matter of just having kids come back to school and drawing a picture saying what's wrong -- in fact it gets kids more frightened to do that. What you have to do with kids, and what I've seen teachers doing as I'm going around from school to school, is say to them: "What would make you feel better, what do you need to feel less afraid?" It's helping the kids put together a picture in their heads that they actually have some control over this -- not a lot; you can't stop the earth from shaking -- but there are things you can do. They talk about safety and about where you should be and how you should take care of yourself and what you should have packed up at home, and they've been really responsible about all this.

I think it's funny -- it's not as if teachers all went to a workshop on Tuesday after the earthquake and were told: "When you get back to class here's what you need to do." They all instinctively -- at least the vast majority of them -- knew what they needed to do, and there was no curriculum guide. And maybe that's the way we have to have schools, where you allow the classroom teacher to just do their own thing, instead of (being directed by) this terrible bureaucracy.

What inspired me the most is that teachers were doing this despite their own problems -- 20% of our teachers in the Harbor area live in the Valley -- that's a huge percentage traveling across town -- and we have thousands of teachers who live in the Santa Clarita area. On the Monday that school opened after the earthquake, we had the highest attendance among teachers of any Monday in the school year! At my school, Marshall, we had 100% teacher attendance -- I can't remember when we ever had 100% teacher attendance.

There was a compelling feeling that we had to come back and be there for the kids and get things back in order. When they were under a great deal of stress, when it would have been easy to say, "Listen, I've got to take care of myself," they were at school helping kids.

I think that people who can react this way, and who are trusted with the safety and well-being of the young people of this city, ought to be treated with more respect and certainly be reimbursed in a way that they can stay in the profession and not be driven out.

I was at a Federal Emergency Management Agency meeting and they said that a family of four is considered in the poverty range at a starting teacher's salary -- $25,000. There's something all screwy about that.

I have a master's degree and I've been with the system for 25 years and I make a big 47-something. I get a teacher's salary as union president. That's the top teacher's salary. I don't consider that, for a lifetime of work and a master's degree, all that fabulous.

If I lived in Des Moines, that would be one thing, but it's not very much in Los Angeles. I, for instance, could not afford to buy my own house back. I wouldn't even qualify for a loan. But the principal at my school makes $90,000. The custodian at my school makes as much as a teacher. Bus drivers make $52,000 with overtime.

Our children spend a third of their day in school under the influence of a teacher. Why someone with that much influence is relegated to the bottom of the ladder is beyond me -- but that's the case.

It was just a mere year ago that all the counselors that everybody wants in the schools now (after the earthquake) -- the counselors, psychiatric social workers, psychologists -- were being laid off. The irony is that now everybody's so concerned about the conditions of the schools and getting the kids back into school. We're talking about 650,000 kids influenced by these very same people that everybody a year ago was saying, "Aw, what the hell, cut their pay 10%."

People are really concerned about the school buildings and how they held up in the earthquake, yet they haven't passed a bond issue for the schools in 20 years. Do people think the schools can somehow be retrofitted for free?

The educational tax rate in this state is 47th out of the 50 states. New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania pay twice as much per student as we do. And they're getting it from somewhere. There are districts in New York state that spend $12,000 on a student -- we spend $4,000.

We opened the school year in September and there were 1,000 vacant teaching positions. It's going to be worse next year. Every district in the L.A. Basin pays higher salaries than the L.A. Unified School District. I think we're 41st out of 43 districts in terms of teacher salaries. Three years ago we were first. Our principals, our school secretaries and other staff positions rank first, second or third in their categories in terms of salary of the 43 county districts. Los Angeles has one of the highest-paid superintendents. Teachers are at the bottom. And the working conditions are worse here -- class sizes are bigger, for example. The last class I taught had 39 kids.

In a crisis like this, schools are the one place that bring a community together. Where is it they put all these Red Cross centers and tent cities? They're in the schools, in the gymnasiums. They're the center of the community. The public school building means a lot emotionally to people in the United States, and it's getting lost. Yet when we have a crisis, it's the first place people turn to.

The Los Angeles City Council will soon be tackling the politically charged issue of determining whether the face of the "new" LAPD should mirror that of the public generally. The proposal on the table -- the brainchild of a feminist legal-rights organization and introduced by Council members Jackie Goldberg and Zev Yaroslavsky -- would require that all incoming LAPD classes be at least 43.4% female, the precise proportion of women in the work force.

Only in a politically correct world could such a proposal, which was made without any supporting data or study, rise to the level of political salability. Under closer scrutiny, however, it is clear that the so-called gender-equity plan would not only be disastrous for the morale and effectiveness of the department; it also would present a very real danger for the safety of the public.

Proponents of the plan acknowledge that the 43% quota cannot be reached under the LAPD's current hiring practices; there are simply insufficient numbers of qualified women candidates able to pass the department's physical abilities test. Even now, only 55% of female applicants -- as compared with 93% of male applicants -- are able to pass the test.

Proponents nonetheless suggest that the quota can be reached because certain elements of the physical testing, such as scaling "the wall" and several other tests of upper body strength, do not relate to job performance and should be abandoned. This is simply feminist fantasy.

Police officers, whether male or female, must have the strength and the endurance to use force effectively when it becomes necessary to do so, including the upper body strength to apprehend suspects and to climb obstacles during a foot chase. The safety of the public in some instances depends on these abilities. The criteria for upper-body strength must therefore be maintained, unimpeded by the political agenda of those who have the ear of certain members of the City Council.

Advocates of the Goldberg-Yaroslavsky motion attempt to draw attention away from the physical requirements of the job by focusing on the "feminist approach to policing," the perception that women officers possess a unique ability to defuse tense situations. Yaroslavsky supports this argument by pointing to the Christopher Commission's finding that female officers are involved in incidents of excessive use of force at rates substantially below those of male officers. This finding, however, is by itself an insufficient basis from which to draw any conclusions.

The Christopher Commission, restricted in its inquiry by the narrow directive of the Police Commission, never studied the many other factors relevant to gender-based assessments of performance, such as the relative rates of force used against, and the relative effectiveness of the use of force by, female and male officers.

More fundamentally, the gender equity plan ignores the substantial progress the department has already made in adding women to the force. Over the past 12 years, the department's hiring goal, which was raised to 30% in 1992, has resulted in a fivefold increase in the proportion of women in the corps of sworn officers.

The proposal to again raise the hiring goal is founded on the unexplained principle that somehow it is satisfactory for certain professions to be skewed in relation to women in the work force, but others, such as policing, must display perfect symmetry to that same benchmark. No reasoned argument has ever been advanced for why this must be the case.

In their urgency to reach this result, and in disregard for their responsibilities to the city, Goldberg and Yaroslavsky also ignore the legal exposure that the gender equity plan would create. In recent years, only 22% of LAPD applicants have been women (a figure that is substantially higher than the 13%-17% average of other California law enforcement agencies). The plan requires that women be hired at a rate that is double their proportion in the LAPD's applicant pool. Doing so would cost the city enormous sums to defend reverse-discrimination claims brought by male applicants passed over in favor of lower-testing female applicants.

Hiring more female officers is an admirable and worthwhile goal. However, the Los Angeles Women Police Assn., an organization committed to this end but nonetheless opposed to the gender-equity plan, recognizes the appropriate ordering of priorities: The proper issue for the Police Department and the City Council is not how many women should be hired, but rather how more women can be hired without sacrificing the effectiveness of the force.

At the start of February, President Bill traveled to the poor neighborhood of Anacostia in Washington, D.C., where the kids, ready with questions about NAFTA and the Clean Water Act, were treated to his headline-seeking homilies about "personal responsibility" and sex.

The searing cynicism of this documented philanderer grandstanding about sexual mores to impoverished eighth-graders in a crumbling inner-city classroom almost beggars description.

But using the most defenseless members of our society as stage props for a "family values" campaign snitched from Dan and Marilyn Quayle doesn't bother our brave commander in chief. The 1980s Reagan-Bush paranoia against adolescents has evolved into 1990s Clinton hostility. When all else fails, even the most hack politicians can get a headline by picking on teen-agers as the source of all social ills, from dissolute welfare-leeching to murder.

The present public delirium about a (black) teen-age sex epidemic, born of irresponsibility and lack of family and religious values, is a cruel fraud.

The supposed epidemic of "children having children" simply doesn't exist. In only a negligible number of births -- about 20,000 annually -- are both partners under the age of 18. Sociologist Mike Males of Occidental College, who has done fine research on this issue, points out to me that this represents only 4% of births among teen-age girls and less than 1% of the total births each year in the United States.

If Clinton remains fired with the urge to lecture people about their moral values, he should preach to men 20 and older. These are the fellows who mostly leave teen-age girls pregnant and with sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.

But don't expect consistency from the President. A week after his repulsive performance in Anacostia he visited a GM plant in Shreveport, La., where he raised some good-ol'-boy laughs with a rib-nudging reminiscence about the Astroturf in the back of his El Camino pickup in the 1970s, and "You don't want to know why."

No lectures about values to this crew, who were more likely than eighth-graders to ask Clinton what qualified him to be a preacher.

Truth: An increasingly nonegalitarian society pushes poor teen-agers further and further to the margin and then blames them for lack of "responsibility." Poverty, not age, is the problem among all ages and racial groups. Higher rates of poverty provoke higher birth rates.

As Males points out, the term "teen-age pregnancy," in most cases where it is labeled a social problem or assigned "public costs," is simply a euphemism for the much larger category of "low-income pregnancy."

And contrary to elite lore, a wide majority of teen-age parents appears to adapt well to parenthood: Most unmarried teen mothers are married within five years, most have jobs and few receive welfare. Teen-age child-bearing creates more public costs than adult child-bearing because teen-agers are poorer. A mythic teen-age rutting boom fueled by a supposed absence of "family values" has produced an imaginary baby boom in which "irresponsible" teen mothers inseminated by feckless black youths are lodged on lifetime welfare instead of having Norplant under their skin as they train for those mythical good jobs at good wages.

This can scarcely be a secret to Clinton's advisers on these issues, such as Marian Wright Edelman of the Children's Defense Fund, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donna Shalala. Scholarly work by Edelman's group exposes the myth, even as Edelman chimes in with the opportunistic Clinton line, thus betraying the poor kids her organization professes to speak for.

"At least two-thirds of pregnant teenagers," Males tells me, "have childhood histories of violence and sexual abuse in their homes. This makes Clinton's threat in the State of the Union to cut off teen-age mothers from welfare and force them to live with a parent or grandparent doubly cruel."

When writer Jonathan Kozol visited a public school in Anacostia, he asked the principal what he found most frustrating about working with young people. "On Fridays in the cafeteria," the man answered, "I see small children putting chicken nuggets in their pockets. They're afraid of being hungry on the weekends." And this President, fresh from cutting public spending, lectures them about responsibility. It should be the other way around.

In the aftermath of a disaster, relief agencies can't make everyone "whole." That's where the local citizenry can step in, not just to help with immediate needs, but with the gaps that surface later.

The Laguna Fire Relief Coalition, for example, offered short-term financial assistance to survivors in need. Now, many of them are finding that insurance, loans and government programs won't cover their costs of recovery.

Together with the Community Clinic, we continue to administer FEMA-subsidized mental health programs, such as crisis counseling. We are replacing fire-destroyed tools, enabling some folks to resume the business of making a living, and we are still distributing food, clothing and other supplies.

But it takes a lot more than just handing out canned goods and cash to heal a community. So our extensive network of volunteers maintains close contact with people who were once their neighbors, but who suddenly found themselves with no neighborhoods. This personal link to the community, while intangible, is perhaps the most important recovery effort of all. Because it's not buildings that define a neighborhood, it's people.

The Kings must dread the NHL's five minute overtime period this season.

They lost to the Calgary Flames, 5-4, with 38 seconds remaining in overtime on Feb. 5 at the Forum and they lost to the New York Rangers, 5-4, with 1 1/2 seconds remaining in overtime on Jan. 27 at home.

After scoring two third-period goals to overcome a 2-0 deficit and force the Boston Bruins into overtime Monday night at the Forum, the Kings lost, 3-2, when right wing Glen Murray scored his eighth goal of the season on a 15-footer with 56 seconds remaining in the extra period before a sellout crowd of 16,005.

Defenseman Alex Zhitnik gave away the puck at the right boards to center Ted Donato, who fed right wing Steve Heinze in the circle. Heinze set up Murray, who was uncovered in the slot and he put it past the legs of goalie Kelly Hrudey.

Defenseman Rob Blake, who sent the game into overtime when he scored his 16th goal of the season with 5:39 remaining in the third period, took the blame for the loss because he was too late in getting to Murray.

"You feel the weight of 24 guys when you make a mistake like that," Blake said. "It was just coverage and we go over that day in and day out in practice and when you let it go . . . It's just a mental mistake, not being in the right position.

"I should have been closer to him. I should have been on him very much sooner."

Less than a year after making the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in franchise history, the Kings are in jeopardy of failing to make the playoffs for the first time since 1986. If the season ended today, the Kings (21-29-6) wouldn't be in the playoffs.

"It's do or die, and if we don't get it going we're going to be out of it," King center Pat Conacher said.

In the third period, the Kings did get going, scoring twice in a 2:34 span to tie it at 2-2.

Wayne Gretzky, the NHL leader with 98 points before the game, assisted on both goals to record the 14th 100-point season of his 15-year NHL career. He leads the NHL with 72 assists and 50 points on the power play.

Jari Kurri scored his fourth goal in the last three games with 8:13 remaining on a pass from defenseman Doug Honda.

The Kings got a chance to tie the score only four seconds later when they went on a power play after left wing Dave Reid was penalized for hooking. Blake tied it when Gretzky set him up from behind the net. Blake beat Bruin goalie Vincent Riendeau for his fifth power-play goal of the season.

The Kings, who were outshot 141-69 in their last three games, were outshot 18-2 by the Bruins in the first period.

In an effort to motivate his team, King Coach Barry Melrose inserted center Brian McReynolds and left wings Dave Tomlinson and Keith Redmond in the lineup. All three had been recalled earlier in the day from the minor league affiliate in Phoenix.

"We haven't been playing well and I had to get some guys who play hard in there," Melrose said. Melrose benched right wing Tomas Sandstrom, who hasn't scored a goal in his last six games. It was the second time this season that he has been scratched.

"I'm (mad) about not playing, but he's the coach and he makes the calls," Sandstrom said.

King Notes

Tony Tavares, the Mighty Duck club president whose comments about Wayne Gretzky influencing officials inspired Gretzky to a five-point performance in the Kings' 5-3 victory over the Ducks on Friday, said he has learned a lesson. "The bottom line is what I was trying to accomplish was to push Wayne away from the referee and vice versa," Tavares said. "Instead, what happened is I pushed him toward the net." Tavares stands by his claim that Gretzky influences officials. "Anyone who has achieved what he has is going to have influence with officials," Tavares said, although he said he realized Gretzky was upset that he said he "cries all the time" to officials. "We all learn lessons in life, and I prefer to learn mine from the best," Tavares said. "He's a good teacher, and I'm a fast learner."

Tony Granato, suspended for high-sticking Chicago Blackhawk defenseman Neil Wilkinson, will appear at an hearing today in New York.

Times staff writer Robyn Norwood contributed to this story.

Those interested in entry-level jobs in baseball should apply for commissioner. . . . The owners got their wish when they emasculated the position. . . .

Robin Yount, who played 20 years with the Milwaukee Brewers, belongs in the Hall of Fame someday alongside Carl Yastrzemski, who played 23 years with the Boston Red Sox and was inducted in 1989, and George Brett, who played 21 years with the Kansas City Royals. . . .

Yount and Yaz each had a career batting average of .285. . . .

Where the ex-Dodgers are now: Dave Anderson will manage the Detroit Tigers' farm team at Jamestown, N.Y., of the New York-Penn League, and R.J. Reynolds will try to make the Cincinnati Reds' roster after spending two years in Japan. . . .

Tom Lasorda on National League realignment: "We're very happy to get the Atlanta Braves out of our division." . . .

Left-handed pitching being so important at Yankee Stadium, the New York Yankees made a good deal when they sent the overrated Bobby Munoz and two minor leaguers to Philadelphia for Terry Mulholland. The Yankees now have three southpaw starters -- Jim Abbott, Jimmy Key and Mulholland. . . .

New Orleans would be the best place for Jim Everett to attempt to resurrect his career. . . .

The Rams believe they can get a second-round draft choice in exchange for Everett. . . .

Of course, they also thought they would make the playoffs last season. . . .

A one-game suspension was the least Temple Coach John Chaney should have gotten after barging into Massachusetts Coach John Calipari's news conference, accusing him of intimidating officials, shouting obscenities and having to be restrained after charging the podium. . . .

Oh, yes, Chaney also threatened to kill Calipari. . . .

I don't care about the pressures of the job.There was no excuse, either, for the shouting match between Arizona's Lute Olson and California's Todd Bozeman on the sidelines. . . .

Kentucky never will make the fashion Final Four with its new uniforms. . . .

Look-alikes: Jason Kidd and Andrew Young. . . .

*

Shaquille O'Neal's limitations were exposed at the All-Star game. . . .

The Orlando Magic should hire Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to give O'Neal a crash course on the sky hook. . . .

Then he might average 40 points a game instead of a mere 28.5. . . .

Gentleman Prefers Blond: Dennis Rodman of the San Antonio Spurs is 17-1 as a blond. . . . Wayne Gretzky, who soon will break Gordie Howe's record with goal No. 802, scored NHL goal No. 1 on Oct. 14, 1979, against Vancouver goaltender Glen Hanlon. . . .

The New York Rangers are interested in trading for Canuck property Petr Nedved, who is playing for Canada in the Olympics. . . .

There is something weird about a hockey game, the Quebec Nordiques vs. the Rangers at Madison Square Garden Friday, being postponed because of snow. . . .

Biggest star at the Sunkist track meet Saturday at the Sports Arena might be one of the smallest performers --

5-foot-3, 114-pound Gail Devers, who will compete in the 50-meter hurdles. . . .

Craig Stadler's galleries at the L.A. Open were packed with admiring, heavyweight spectators.. . .

One of the problems facing CBS is that there aren't enough appealing events in the Winter Olympics to fill two weeks of coverage. . . .

My favorite venue is the Viking Ship. . . .

The fourth annual welcome-home celebration for Mark Carrier, the Chicago Bears' All-Pro safety, Saturday at the Long Beach Hilton will benefit earthquake relief. . . .

I'm picking Region to win the Santa Anita Handicap on March 5. He ran well in the San Antonio despite a troubled trip that resulted in his being placed ahead of disqualified second-place finisher Hill Pass. And basically, it was a prep race for trainer Richard Mandella's 5-year-old gelding. . . .

Steve McCain, the NCAA high-bar champion last year as a freshman, and Kareema Marrow, who scored a perfect 10 on the vault recently, will lead the UCLA men's and women's teams in the UCLA/Gilda Marx Invitational Saturday night at Pauley Pavilion. . . .

Todd Steussie, the offensive tackle from California and Agoura High, made a big impression at the NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. . . .

Pro football mecca Las Vegas has two teams -- the Posse of the Canadian Football League and the Sting of Arena Football. . . .

Last add Bud Wilkinson from Oklahoma graduate Stan Rosenfield: "I was in the student section in 1957 when Notre Dame ended our 47-game winning streak. There was stunned silence. Finally, someone yelled: 'Fire the coach!' "

Arkansas regained the No. 1 spot in the Associated Press poll Monday, the seventh consecutive week with a different team at the top.

UCLA was ranked No. 8.

Arkansas was No. 1 for five consecutive weeks until losing to Alabama on Jan. 8. MONDAY'S GAMES

Arturas Karnishovas scored 22 points and Seton Hall used strong defense and rebounding to snap a three-game losing streak, beating St. John's, 67-57, at East Rutherford, N.J. The Pirates, 12-10 overall and 5-9 in the Big East, limited St. John's (11-11, 5-8) to 33.3% shooting and outrebounded the Redmen, 42-26. . . . Calvin Curry's three-point shooting led Oklahoma (14-7, 5-4) back from a seven-point deficit in overtime and the Sooners beat Nebraska, 115-111, in a Big Eight game at Norman, Okla. Nebraska is 14-7, 4-5.

Former Angel Lance Parrish, a 37-year-old catcher who played for Detroit's 1984 championship team, and Juan Samuel agreed to minor-league contracts with the Tigers and were invited to spring training. Names in the News

An estimated 350 turned out in St. Louis for services for former Oklahoma football coach Bud Wilkinson, who died Wednesday of congestive heart failure at 77.

Michael Stich, the world's second-ranked player, said he will help Germany defend its Davis Cup title this year.

Monday was Norge Day at the Birkebeineren ski stadium, just as many had hoped it would be, in the 30-kilometer men's freestyle cross-country ski race.

It also was well below zero. But the sun was out. So naturally, the place went nuts. Bands played. Flags waved. People cheered. One side of the jammed stadium sang, "Heia, Norge! Heia, Norge! Ole! Ole! Ole!" Then the other side sang it. And that was before anyone had started skiing.

Then, a couple of hours later, when Bjorn Daehlie, one of the stars in the Norwegian constellation, strained across the finish line, bumping Finland's Mika Myllylae out of the lead before collapsing face-first in the snow, the place went nuts again.

And when Thomas Alsgaard, another Viking, steamed across moments later, to chants of "Oy! Oy! Oy!" surprisingly knocking Daehlie out of the lead, well, it was Mt. St. Helens East.

That gave Norway the gold and the silver -- Myllylae took the bronze -- and the only thing better would have been a sweep. Small matter to the hardy Norwegians, who weren't about to let either a missing bronze medal or a little chill spoil their day.

The stand-up stadium was filled with 31,000, and officials estimated that at least that many more, watching free, lined the course. There were tents and camp stoves out there, indicating that some of them had spent the night, and skier after skier remarked about how the exuberant fans had urged him on.

Alsgaard, 22, a power skier who had never won an international race, made the most of the moment, moving into the lead after the first seven meters, holding it the rest of the way and finishing in 1 hour 12 minutes 26.4 seconds.

He was at a loss to explain his victory, though. "I don't know," he said, when asked how he had won. "To be sure, I don't know. I never expected it. I had a little hope for maybe a bronze but I never thought of gold."

He finally realized that he might win, he said, with about seven kilometers left.

"The crowd began to sing and I started to think of the gold medal," he said. "Then I tried to ski faster."

Asked about beating his more celebrated teammate, Daehlie, winner of three golds and a silver two years ago at Albertville, France, Alsgaard said: "I'm afraid of what he's going to do to me tonight. Maybe beat me up."

Instead, Daehlie, 26, paid tribute to his young teammate.

"I thought my race was a super race," he said. "On the uphills, I was skiing as fast as I've ever gone, and he still beat me.

"Before the race, I didn't think of Thomas as the favorite. I thought more of (Vladimir) Smirnov (of Kazakhstan, winner of five of six World Cup races this season). I know Thomas is quite good, but I was a bit surprised he was so fast in the middle of the race."

Smirnov finished 10th, and Vegard Ulvang, another of the Norwegian stars, skipped this race because he does not ski the skating freestyle technique as well as he does the classical style, where each ski is in a track.

Alsgaard said he hadn't felt the cold during the race. "But afterward, my chest hurt," he said. "I don't think racing in such cold conditions is good for the body."

In fact, there was talk beforehand of postponing it until a balmier day. By then, though, fans had begun to arrive at the stadium and the course walkers were already lining the track. Norwegians tend to be somewhat reserved everywhere but at ski races, and depriving them of this day in the sun might not have been a wise decision. "There is nothing to prepare you for crowds like this," American skier Carl Swenson said. "I was really tired out there, but they made me feel better. I was psyched by the crowd."

As usual, U.S. skiers did not fare particularly well by international standards. Luke Bodensteiner of West Bend, Wis., was the first American, finishing 36th in 1:20:13.0.

John Aalberg of Salt Lake City, a native Norwegian who became an American citizen before the Albertville Games, was 44th. Swenson, of North Conway, N.H., was 46th, and Marcus Nash of Fryeburg, Me., was 66th among 72 finishers.

If two entrepreneurs have their way, the king of beers may soon be making way for the president of beers.

Billary Beer, named for Bill and Hillary Clinton, is elbowing in here on a crowded market dominated by self-proclaimed "king of beers" Budweiser.

Presidential Bottlers' co-founders say their beer is made from "Bill barley and Hillary hops mixed with slightly tainted Whitewater water . . . "

President Carter's brother Billy also had the distinction of having a beer named after him -- "Billy Beer."

You gotta have a cookie.

Now!

One with chips big enough to satisfy this urge for chocolate that is making you crazy. Should you or shouldn't you?

When a craving is this intense, enjoy, say some researchers. Indulging occasionally might satisfy you enough to stay on the nutritional straight-and-narrow the rest of the time.

Whoa, say others who counter that a little willpower is what's needed: Eating a nutritious, low-fat diet can reduce and even eliminate cravings.

Then there's the all-in-your-head approach: Rescript your mental image of craved foods to make them seem less appetizing.

*

The Chemical Connection: When certain brain chemicals increase, so do cravings, according to Sarah Leibowitz, a neurobiologist at Rockefeller University in New York, who has studied the effects of some brain chemicals on animals' appetites. High levels of a chemical called neuropeptide Y increase urges for carbohydrates, she says, while high levels of galanin make the animals choose fat-filled foods.

A taste for carbohydrates is highest in the morning, she says, while urges for fatty foods increase throughout the day, often peaking around dinner time. She says that is probably true for animals as well as people -- although abundant human data is lacking.

Another researcher, Adam Drewnowski, professor and director of the Human Nutrition Program at the University of Michigan, agrees that a variety of brain chemicals can trigger cravings. But for humans, he says, there are other factors that also influence what foods you crave.

Physiological factors such as pain, along with psychological factors such as depression, can bring on cravings, he says. Cultural and socioeconomic factors can come into play too. Consider the change in dietary habits in Japan, which has undergone drastic Westernization. "Fat intake there has tripled in the last 25 years," he says. "But I am assuming their galanin levels have not tripled."

Food cravings often occur in response to a painful or stressful situation, Drewnowski says. "Sugar and fat may act as natural analgesics."

Some cravings are strongly tied to habit: You always eat popcorn dripping in butter at the movies.

*

The Gender Differences: Women tend to crave more often than men, Drewnowski has also found, although he does not know why. Women are likely to crave foods filled with fat and sugar, such as candy and cookies. Men are apt to want foods high in protein, fat and salt -- like a juicy steak.

*

Wishing Away Those Cravings: Never mind those brain chemicals or life's stresses. The trick to controlling your cravings, says Linda Tatum, a Beverly Hills hypnotherapist, is to teach yourself to regard foods you crave as neutral or, better yet, unappetizing.

She asks clients with cravings to visualize the object of their desire -- say, a chocolate chip cookie -- on a large screen. Then she interrogates them about their mental image. Is the cookie in color? In a frame or free-floating? How does it smell? Is it on a plate? In clear focus?

Once that mental picture is firmly implanted, she asks the same questions about a food the client loathes -- say, cottage cheese. "In every case, something is different," she says. A cookie is likely to be pictured in mouth-watering color; cottage cheese in unappetizing black-and-white.

Next, clients learn to transpose mental pictures of the unappetizing food to the irresistible food: to see the cookie in black and white, for starters.

*

The Nutritious Approach: Eating right can reduce or eliminate cravings, others say. "If you are providing your body with optimal nutrients, you should not be experiencing cravings," says Diane Grabowski, a dietitian and nutrition educator at the Pritikin Longevity Center, Santa Monica, where the menu emphasizes very low-fat diets.

Concentrate on eating a diet with about 75% carbohydrates, 15% protein and 10% fats, Grabowski says, and your body won't want sugary, fried or fatty foods. She emphasizes eating carbohydrates that are unrefined -- apples instead of apple juice, for instance. Those who switch to a low-fat, balanced diet and eat frequently -- six mini-meals a day -- can expect cravings to disappear within a week, she says.

*

The Long View: Drewnowski acknowledges that some people -- but very few -- seem to adapt to low-fat diets without cheating, but if you're not one of them, an occasional indulgence might actually keep you healthier in the long run.

"Women who go on severe diets (with little fat or sugar) appear to be at greater risk of alcohol and drug use," he says, citing preliminary results of a current study.

Someday, drug treatments might target overwhelming cravings by normalizing levels of brain chemicals associated with them. Meanwhile, depriving yourself too much might have adverse long-term consequences, Drewnowski says.

Francis Crick wants to know where "you" live. He isn't interested in the name of your street, nor in the color of your skin, nor even in the nature of your genes, which he, along with James Watson, helped discover in the 1950s.

His "Astonishing Hypothesis" is that "you -- your joys and your sorrows, your memories and your ambitions, your sense of personal identity and free will -- are in fact no more than the behavior of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated molecules."

And he wants to know the precise location in your pudding-textured brain of the cells that assemble "you."

Truth be told, while most of us are not likely to warm to the hypothesis that we are little more than pudding, few scientists today would call it astonishing.

Descartes' dualist theory of a separate mind and body began unraveling in the Renaissance, when physicians realized that such earthly afflictions as strokes could radically alter the spirit. It has all but collapsed in recent years, as scanning technologies with such spunky acronyms as PET and SQUIDs have localized the brain metabolisms that lead to feelings like sorrow and joy.

Nevertheless, it's one thing to localize and another to understand, and the hard truth is that even persevering and punctilious researchers like Crick have so far been unable to find a central core of being.

Neuroscientific thinkers seemed able to contain their frustration until 1991, when an audacious philosopher named Daniel Dennett published a book called "Consciousness Explained" (Little, Brown), in which he argued that there was no such core, no "homunculus" or "little man in the brain" who dutifully assembles our sense of self.

The book managed to directly insult Crick, who goes on in these pages to attack Dennett and other leading consciousness theorists, from Roger Penrose ("The Emperor's New Mind," Penguin, 1989) to Gerald Edelman. In turn, Edelman, in his 1992 book "Bright Air, Brilliant Fire" (Basic) has criticized Crick, scoffed at Dennett ("His is not a theory of consciousness") and dismissed Penrose: "He's in over his head."

The battles seem less evocative of the elegant Salk Institute in La Jolla, where Crick works by the sea in an office designed by Louis I. Kahn, than of a place several miles south: the Primate Wing of the San Diego Zoo. And no wonder, for it can be argued that since cerebralism makes humans Top Primates, the person who comes to understand that cerebralism gets to be the Top Primate.

As in most battles, though, the warriors turn out to hold views that are more similar than they care to admit.

Crick begins this book by staking out a position antithetical to Dennett's: "There must be structures or operations in the brain that in some mysterious way behave as if they correspond somewhat to the mental picture of the homunculus."

But he ends by endorsing a notion similar to Dennett's "Multiple Drafts Model of Consciousness," wherein there is no single homunculus.

*

Similarly, probably out of annoyance at the legions of glib popularizers who analogize the brain to a computer, Crick snaps that "a brain does not look even a little bit like a general-purpose computer." But he ends up contending that computer-simulated "neural networks," while "far removed from the complexities of the brain," may indeed provide the key to understanding the brain's behavior.

(As Isaac Asimov pointed out in a 1967 article, computers are "far removed" from the brain largely because they are less complex: A modern, neural-networked computer may have fewer than 20,000 on-off connections, for instance, whereas the brain has about 100 billion cells with 100,000 billion highly complex connections.)

So if the ideological differences between Crick, Dennett and others are not dramatic, then why are their battles so heated? Because there is little agreement on where neuroscience should go from here.

At one end of the spectrum stand wildly speculative theorists such as Penrose, who says the answers may lie in physics. Crick's criticism of Penrose is unsparing but accurate: "At bottom, his argument is that quantum gravity is mysterious and consciousness is mysterious and wouldn't it be wonderful if one explained the other."

At the other end of the spectrum are researcher's researchers, such as Crick. Crick's description in these pages of a more scientific approach to studying consciousness -- one that attempts to connect today's billowing, abstract theorizing to hard chemical evidence -- may prove daunting to some lay readers. But Crick himself is never intimidating.

On the contrary. Arguing that science cannot progress without laypeople like you and me asking basic, even stupid questions, he begins one chapter with this quote from economist Vilfredo Pareto:

"Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own corrections. You can keep your sterile truths for yourself."

Is it possible for an exhibition to fully coax forth the sources of a painter's compelling imagery? Can the mysterious soup of thought, feeling and accident that meld in making a work of art really be laid out? Can a show truly burrow inside an artist's head?

The answer of course is no. Some things are finally impenetrable.

Yet, a marvelously engaging exhibition that opened Sunday at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art comes as close as is likely possible to accomplishing that formidable feat. Beginning with a single painting and building outward to encompass both the personal and political history of the artist's life at the moment the picture was made, "Picasso and the Weeping Women: The Years of Marie-Therese Walter and Dora Maar" makes a convincing and unusual contribution to Picasso studies.

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The painting in question is the Spanish artist's "Weeping Woman With a Handkerchief," which he executed on June 26, 1937. It was a gift to LACMA just 18 years later, from Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Mitchell. (He was the erudite character actor who famously played Scarlett O'Hara's father in "Gone With the Wind," won an Academy Award for "Stagecoach" and collected books and art -- Rembrandt, Whistler and Van Gogh among them.) Not the least of the show's achievements is the way it brings the small Picasso to vivid life.

"Weeping Woman With a Handkerchief" has always seemed to be a little gem, but the exhibition frames it in such a way as to reveal it as far superior than otherwise recognized. By the time the show is over, you look at the painting in a new way -- which is to say that now you really look at it.

The canvas is not large -- 21 5/8 by 18 1/8 inches -- but it packs a considerable punch. It shows the bust of a Spanish woman (she wears a mantilla) sobbing into a handkerchief. In just six colors, plus black and white, Picasso created an indelible image of mortal grief.

The bean-shaped head, balancing precariously on the point of a triangular neck, is surrounded by heavy blackness. The resulting sense of compression is enhanced by the flattened forms of the mantilla, whose open weave of lace is paradoxically represented by thick, crisscrossing lines.

The woman's skin is bright white. Her nose and cheek are flushed with hot magenta, her acidic green lips shaded with pale, icy blue. The vivid yellow blouse framing her knotted fingers shrieks against the blackness of the background, while her red-orange hair hums against the complementary greens of the mantilla framing her head.

The sobbing eyes and the handkerchief are marvelous inventions. Thick, black lines stream weightily from the eyes, which are themselves shaped like teardrops. The handkerchief adjacent is a crumpled cloud, which Picasso has muddled with an agitated storm of scribbled pencil lines.

The 1955 gift of the picture was important for LACMA, because the Picasso was a special prize. It was painted within a week or two of the completion of his famous monumental picture of the brutal fascist bombing of the Spanish town of Guernica, a picture to which the small canvas bears an obvious relationship.

As the exhibition further demonstrates, for the first time, it also represents the resolution of an important theme that had absorbed Picasso in the months leading up to "Guernica" and that preoccupied him for several months after.

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Almost never did Picasso paint faces that portrayed intensely descriptive emotion. The series of weeping women, which appear in about 60 drawings, prints and paintings throughout 1937, are an anomaly. Where did they come from?

The show's organizer, Judi Freeman, convincingly shows how the intersection of political events, represented by the Spanish civil war, and of personal relationships, in the artist's notoriously tangled romantic life, conspired to give us these remarkable pictorial essays on human sorrow.

And with a gentle swipe at the admittedly insightful "boy's club" of scholars who dominate Picasso studies, the show's fine catalogue suggests that their admiring identification with the artist has kept them from seeing the unusual significance of the pictures of weeping women.

The show is divided into galleries with portraits of each of the principal women then in Picasso's romantic life. (There were also a few passing affairs.) He was estranged from his wife, Russian ballet dancer Olga Koklova. He was growing tired of his mistress, Marie-Therese Walter. And he was embarking on a new liaison with Surrealist photographer Dora Maar, who helped him to create "Guernica."

The political trauma of the Spanish civil war, in which the devastation of the Basque town was not unlike that in Sarajevo today, is necessarily represented by reproductions because "Guernica" cannot travel. A photograph (to scale) of Picasso's monumental painting, and of a dozen studies for figures in the mural, is accompanied by an eight-minute, unfinished documentary film, commissioned in 1949 from the legendary director of "Nanook of the North," Robert Flaherty.

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The photo-mural and the film flank a gallery with four drawings, seven prints and six paintings of weeping women. Although no weeping women are in the final version of "Guernica," the relationship between the mural and the smaller pictures is plain to see.

So is their connection to the forms employed in his portraits: the sharp, angular, skull-like heads of the bitterly estranged Koklova; the sumptuously erotic, organic images of Walter; the keen-eyed intelligence of Maar. Personal passions merge with political ones in the weeping women, in a manner unique in all of Picasso's oeuvre . And LACMA's picture is where those conflicted passions are initially resolved.

The show is of further significance because museums regularly pay empty lip service to the idea of exhibitions that illuminate their own collections. Like 1989's "The Dada and Surrealist Word-Image," also organized by Freeman at LACMA, and which examined the historical context for the museum's famous Magritte masterpiece, "This Is Not a Pipe," this one actually does it -- and brilliantly.

Freeman, who until last summer was a LACMA curator and is now in that post at the Portland (Maine) Museum of Art, has assembled 36 works to tell her story. Among them is the "Weeping Woman" from London's Tate Gallery, the greatest of the series, to which LACMA's runs a close second. The presentation may not be huge, but it's more absorbing than any number of museum exhibitions twice its size.

* LACMA, 5905 Wilshire Blvd., (213) 857-6000, through May 1. Closed Mondays and Tuesdays.

POP/ROCK

Jackson Testifies in 'Dangerous' Case: Michael Jackson took the witness stand at the Denver Federal Courthouse on Monday, singing parts of his song "Dangerous" and testifying that he wrote its melody and lyrics. Jackson's 50 minutes of testimony in the latest of his legal battles came as part of a trial resulting from Denver songwriter Crystal Cartier's $25-million lawsuit claiming that Jackson stole "Dangerous" from her and infringed on her copyright. Jackson testified that he wrote the lyrics for "Dangerous" while sitting in the dark and listening to the bass track of another of his songs, "Street Walker." Cartier, 38, claims she had sent Jackson a tape recording of her song of the same name before he first recorded "Dangerous" in September 1990. The song later became the title track for Jackson's 1992 album, which sold 14 million copies. Jackson testified that he doesn't listen to unsolicited tapes "because of the danger involved, like this situation."

* Streisand Tour Confirmed, but No Dates: Barbra Streisand has confirmed plans for her first international concert tour covering 12 cities in the United States and Europe. The much-anticipated tour, which will begin in mid-April, is expected to include Los Angeles, although sites and dates are still to be revealed. Streisand's New Year's concerts in Las Vegas marked her first paid shows in 27 years. The singer's spokesman said the "partial" tour confirmation was necessitated by "a swirl of misinformation," including "fallacious" overseas dates. TELEVISION

CBS Gets Best Olympics Ratings Ever: CBS Sports' Sunday-night broadcast of the Olympic Winter Games from Lillehammer, Norway, had the largest audience ever for a single night of Olympics coverage -- winter or summer. The network drew an estimated 41% of available viewing homes from 8 to 11 p.m., with an estimated 82 million people watching all or part of the Olympic coverage in 27.5 million U.S. homes. CBS' rating was 24% higher than the first Sunday night of the 1992 Winter Games.

* 'Gaby' Premiere Date Set: Child star Gaby Hoffmann of the films "Sleepless in Seattle" and "This Is My Life" will have her own comedy series. "Gaby" premieres on NBC at 8:30 p.m. March 14. The placement of the show, about a bright, opinionated 11-year-old who confronts a series of contemporary problems, will cause the network's teen hit "Blossom," starring Mayim Bialik, to move to Saturdays at 8 p.m., where it will be followed by "The Mommies" in a new 8:30 p.m. time period.

* People's Choice Nods: "Home Improvement," "Roseanne" and "Seinfeld" will vie for the "Favorite TV Comedy Series" and "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," "NYPD Blue" and "Picket Fences" will compete for the same honor in the TV drama category when the 20th Annual People's Choice Awards airs on CBS March 8 with Paul Reiser as host. The awards include 18 TV, film and music categories, voted on by a sampling of the American public. Among other nominees, "Jurassic Park," "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Firm" will vie for favorite film.

* 'Flintstones' Pilot Premiere, 30 Years Later: The never-before-seen pilot for TV's first prime-time animated series, "The Flintstones," will premiere May 7 on cable's Cartoon Network. Called "Flagstones, Meet the Flagstones?!" the 1-minute, 45-second piece provides the animated debut of Fred and Wilma, with some different visual characterizations and voices. The clip, which had been rumored to exist for more than 30 years, surfaced last summer when Hanna-Barbera Cartoons commissioned film detectives to search storage facilities on three continents to locate the original 35mm opening and closing sequence of "The Flintstones." THE ARTS

Emergency Fund Broadened: California cultural institutions that were damaged in the Jan. 17 earthquake will be included under an emergency fund established last summer by the National Endowment for the Humanities to aid flood-damaged Midwestern libraries, archives and museums. Institutions from both areas will compete for a total of $1 million and may apply through July 31 for grants of up to $30,000 to help preserve cultural collections. SHAUNA SNOW

A good portion of Bobby Vinton's repertoire at the Long Beach Terrace Theatre on Sunday afternoon made it strikingly clear why we needed Lennon & McCartney in the '60s.

Making a rare Los Angeles appearance, the king of early rock love songs worked through such Top 40 chestnuts as "Roses Are Red," "Blue on Blue," "Tell Me Why" and "Blue Velvet."The overflow audience clearly must have adored Vinton in the '60s, and they adored every minute of this performance as well.

But what was most appealing about Vinton was not his re-creation of puppy-love hit tunes -- which he seemed willing to dispense with fairly quickly -- but his poise as a complete entertainer. Filled with energy and high spirits, constantly in movement, interacting amiably with his audience, Vinton almost produced a convincing presentation with his engaging personality, even for the few skeptics in the crowd.

The opening act was Reunion -- actually a Lettermen revival group featuring Jim Pike and Bob Engemann from the best-known version of the trio, joined by Ric de Azevedo of the King Family vocal ensemble. As with Vinton, the Valentine's Day love-song theme dominated in their affable readings of familiar Lettermen hits. DON HECKMAN

British guitarist Ronny Jordan, whose mix of straight-ahead jazz, pop, R&B and hip-hop is earning him a solid following, knows how to heat up an audience. His septet's sold-out show on Friday at the Troubadour was built around numbers that sizzled.

Jordan, 31, delivers a dandy, luminous tone a la Wes Montgomery and ushers in his lines with plenty of rhythmic whammy. He scored with a no-nonsense version of "My Favorite Things," and a dashing romp through "Blues-grinder," where he cranked out one steaming idea after another.

"Get to Grips" and "Season for Change," featuring rapper Radical MC, were effective, as was the coupling of the rousing "Come to Me" with a hip-hop take on "So What." On these numbers, his band gave him exuberant, if overly loud, support.

But Jordan's show faltered when he dropped in such mushy, mired-in-pop/jazz ditties as "Show Me" and "Tinsel Town," which paled in comparison to his other material. Jordan also plays Tuesday at Ole Madrid in San Diego.

Guitarist Charlie Hunter, who does a swell job of playing bass lines while he simultaneously knocks out a solo, opened for Jordan. Hunter, vigorous tenor saxophonist David Ellis and spiffy drummer Jay Lane were first rate, offering a five-tune set of smart and lively jazz-meets-alternative-rock originals. ZAN STEWART

Some great performers take their listeners on spiritual odysseys, all the while enlightening them, challenging them, invigorating them.

Sunday, at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, violinist Itzhak Perlman took his listeners for a stroll around the block. Everything was familiar, comfortable, friendly. Neither arduous music nor arduous music-making blotched the atmosphere of peace and tranquillity in Mr. Perlman's neighborhood. He should have worn a cardigan, not a tux.

Beethoven's congenial Sonata No. 8 in G, Schumann's urgent Sonata No. 1 in A minor (congenial in Perlman's hands) and, a rarity, Stravinsky's Divertimento, based on music from "The Fairy's Kiss" (Stravinsky at his easiest), made up the printed agenda.

But it was when Perlman brought out a stack of music at encore time that the audience went into rapture, and when Perlman played some of it he seemed at his best. Here, in two Kreisler transcriptions, a Heifetz transcription, in Elgar's "Salut d'amour" and Saint-Saens' Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso, musician and music were in perfect harmony.

Earlier, things proved less convincing. The 48-year-old violinist gave the Beethoven sonata the easy once-through, slighting its contrasts, smoothing out its playfulness. The giddy finale refused to take off, thanks to some less-than-stellar ensemble work between Perlman and his accompanist, Janet Goodman Guggenheim.

Schumann's lofty music sounded pleasant and earthbound, with Perlman offering all-purpose richness and lyricism yet little sense of the longer line, and a sometimes resourceful Guggenheim, the piano lid almost closed, too often settling for a supporting role.

Stravinsky's Divertimento found Perlman apparently more involved, lending its Tchaikovsky tunes a gentle warmth and curve, its Stravinskian rhythms a bounciness and light drive. Here, the ease of his technique added to the charm of the music.

He revealed the full sugar content of his encores, sparkled gracefully in the virtuoso bits, offered some mild quips in between and earned an instant standing ovation for the fluffiest of the fluff, the Saint-Saens standby. Almost everyone seemed satisfied. TIMOTHY MANGAN

The third annual International Jazz Party, held Saturday and Sunday at the Biltmore's Grand Avenue Bar, followed the pattern of its predecessors. Japanese musicians alternated with Americans and occasionally played alongside them.

Eiji Kitamura, the clarinet virtuoso, was again the principal visitor, playing mostly traditional swing-era songs. His technique seemingly improved with age, he conjured up a head of steamy excitement with a solo of Benny Goodman-like virtuosity on "The World Is Waiting for the Sunrise."

Top honors Saturday went to Bruce Foreman, a guitarist from San Francisco graced with phenomenal fluency, who teamed with the more conventional but empathetic Yoshiaki Miyanou. Their guitar duets brought out the best in both players.

Foreman appeared again Sunday in a pleasant collaboration with tenor sax-player Scott Hamilton. They were followed by an all-Japanese group with agreeable but derivative piano by Kotaro Tsukuhara, drummer Sabao Watanabe and bassist Sammy Asami.

The Sunday evening session came to a roaring climax with Bill Berry's band. With Berry conducting, playing an occasional cornet solo and contributing a colorfully textured original, the band succeeded in areas tackled less successfully last week by the Lincoln Center Orchestra.

Both bands leaned heavily on Ellington material, but Berry's musicians have a more natural feeling for it. Only in the closing "Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue" did they fall momentarily short, when Scott Hamilton's tenor sax failed to generate the kind of passion created last week by Joshua Redman with the New York ensemble.

Almost everyone in the Berry band had significant spotlight time, most notably such regulars as Marshal Royal, Ross Tompkins, Snooky Young and Frank Capp. Other members included Supersax singers Ernie Andrews and Polly Podewell, pianist Gerry Wiggins, bassist John Clayton and drummer Gregg Field. LEONARD FEATHER

So, you have an 8-year-old who loves center stage? A yen to tread the boards yourself? Children, moms and dads are invited to pick up some acting basics from professional actors in two free "Master Classes" offered by the Great American Children's Theatre of Wisconsin at the central Los Angeles Public Library's KLOS Story Theatre this Saturday and next from 10 to 11 a.m.

In town for its L.A. tour of the L.M. Montgomery classic "Anne of Green Gables" at the Wilshire Theatre in Beverly Hills, Wednesday through Feb. 27, the theater company's cast members will present the free classes as part of a pilot program to promote learning through reading and the performing arts. Since space is limited, the classes are available on a first-come, first-served basis. Information: (800) 852-9772.

Classics for Kids: If Beethoven and Brahms are the ticket, check out "A World of Music," a child-sized classical concert/workshop for ages 4 and up at Kidspace Museum in Pasadena twice on Sunday. Pianist Polli Chambers Sazar will play excerpts from Chopin, Scarlatti, Rachmaninoff, Beethoven and other composers as part of two interactive music workshops at 2:30 and 3:30 p.m. Children participate through discussion and movement. Free with museum admission. Information: (818) 449-9144.

They're Not Kidding Around: Talk about an early career boost. At ages 9 to 13, the newest deejays at Radio AAHS' 24-hour children's radio station KPLS-AM (830), fit right into the station's target audience of 2- to 12-year-olds. Ashley McCormick, David Harris, Kyle Ellison, Mara Stringfield and Jennifer Gonzalez are the new stars of the all-kids show, "AirForce Kids," airing from 2 to 4 p.m. on Saturdays. Playing music, reporting on sports, entertainment, education and the environment, the five were chosen from 150 applicants in December for their writing ability and presentation skills. Besides "age-appropriate music," listeners will hear critiques of books, computer software, music and movies, plus celebrity gossip, interviews and nature news. And, yes, although the budding broadcasters won't be socking away a fortune, they do get paid.

Currently on its sixth North American tour, the Peking Acrobats performed in Pasadena Civic Auditorium on Sunday. As usual, the company members were listed but not specifically identified in the house program, and the souvenir booklet on sale in the lobby featured a different generation of performers doing different tricks.

The latest tour showcases very young Peking Acrobats (seven women, 15 men as listed) who wear lots of glamour makeup, make lots of mistakes in their routines and seem to be evolving toward a freer, more mobile virtuosity.

For instance, there's been a major change in the traditional pagoda-of-chairs. Normally, as you'll recall, furniture is stacked on the floor or a platform until the pile reaches the top of the proscenium. Then somebody does handstands off the highest point.

Not anymore. These days, all those chairs -- plus a bench and the youth handstanding on top of it -- balance on a tiny platform on a pole that a hunkier youth manages to support on his head. No hands. Not even when he climbs a ladder to walk on a giant moving ball.

You like Chinese dancing lions with two performers inside each costume? The latest pride can do backflips off high platforms and roll up-and-over teeter-totters with gymnasts balanced on their backs.

Early in Act II, male gymnasts dive through a four-level wall of wooden hoops -- brilliant at mid-air contortions, sudden changes of direction and unpredictable linkups with their colleagues. Toward the end of the program, however, they become the hoops, forming a high, human Great Wall of China that provides both apertures for others to dive through and balconies off which the women hang in the air and spin.

So it goes: an ancient ribbon-dance performed atop a high pole with the dancer hanging by her teeth. A contortionist balanced on the outstretched arms of a gymnast. New variants on familiar displays of dexterity with whips, flying ceramic bowls, spinning ropes, hanging straps, tiers of glasses, uni- and bicycles. Plus a 9-year-old boy impersonating the Peking Opera Monkey King.

Better keep an eye on that kid: No telling what new feats his generation has in store. LEWIS SEGAL

"Quit India!"

More than half a century ago, with the Japanese army advancing toward the Indian frontier and seemingly unstoppable, Mohandas K. Gandhi, the "Great Soul," launched the call for the British to leave his country, immediately and unconditionally. His target was the injustice and humiliation of colonialism.

Now a coalition of alarmed Indian socialists has dusted off his slogan and his tactics of nonviolent protest to battle a more recent foreign foe: "cola-onalism," the fizzy, ubiquitous drinks made by Coca-Cola and Pepsi.

"These are the two most aggressive agencies of pushing in what I consider American culture. That includes a lot of things, from junk food to Madonna to Michael Jackson," said George Fernandes, a former minister, labor organizer and leader of the Janata Dal party.

Unless the soft-drink giants leave India voluntarily by the month's end, starting March 1 their bottling plants and retail outlets will be picketed and trucks carrying their products will be blocked, Fernandes announced on behalf of Samajwadi Abhiyan, an umbrella alliance of socialists.

Fernandes, responsible for driving Coke out of the Indian market in 1977 (Coke returned last fall), claimed that movement organizers can count on the support of 200,000 nationalist students in universities in the New Delhi area, as well as "millions" worried that jobs in Indian enterprises are in jeopardy.

Those forecasts seem preposterous.

But regardless of how many people lie down in front of delivery vans or agree to boycott Coke and Pepsi, the "quit India" campaign, freighted with the symbols and strategy of the fight against imperialism, is a reminder of how touchy some Indian leaders and intellectuals still are about foreign penetration of their once nearly hermetically sealed economy.

"The world has changed in 50 years,"' objected P. M. Sinha, managing director of Pepsi Foods Ltd., who claims that Fernandes and his backers just haven't kept up. "The country today exists in a new environment of global integration."

Pepsi, he said, will stand pat.

"Quit India" redux may be one of the last gasps of the ideal of a self-sufficient, import-free India minted in the heyday of Gandhi and Jawaharlal Nehru, India's first prime minister.

For the last year, a new, more open India attracted more foreign investment than during the whole of the 1980s. American, as well as European and Japanese, companies are arriving en masse. Many will watch the anti-cola campaign to see whether the old slogans have any life left.

The experiences of Cargill, the U.S. grain-trading dynasty, indicate that, at least in some economic sectors or regions, foreigners may be in for a bumpy ride.

The Minneapolis-based company, one of America's largest privately held corporations, sells hybrid sunflower and corn seed in India; in December, 1992, hundreds of militants attacked its office in Bangalore, looted the seedlings and computer records and tossed them in a bonfire outside, said Cargill's India general manager, Raza Hasnain. Last July, a mob was back, laying waste to sections of a seed-processing plant under construction.

Cargill was targeted because of a provision in the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, then being debated, that allowed the patenting of new strains of seeds. Fernandes warned at the time that multinationals like Cargill "will hook farmers to their products, then raise prices. In the process, our agricultural base will collapse."

Despite the destruction, Cargill says that it still intends to do business in India.